2007: I Learned in College - 4/26/2007
All I ever really need to know I learned in college
By: Brendan Hall
Posted: 4/26/07
For those of us who will be donning the cap and gown next month at the commencement ceremony, yawning through the pomp and circumstance, wondering if we've ever actually met the commencement speaker (UMass-Boston gets Obama and Patrick in back-to-back years; UMass-Amherst gets…someone), the days are dwindling - and it's making me feel queasy. Whatever ounce of innocence we've got left hits the skids come May 26.
We'll never get these days back, but memories are what life's all about. Since I'm such a selfless guy, I'm devoting the rest of my column space this semester to you, the graduating senior.
Follow me here.
As the title suggests, all I ever really need to know I learned in college, and I'm pretty sure the same applies to you. Below is a list of axioms, mottos, mantras, phrases to live by, whatever-you-wanna-call-them's I've ascertained based directly on my experiences here at UMass (For example, no classes before 10). My goal is to get the phrases you live by, and use the best ones in my final Collegian column.
Let's call it my own personal senior class gift.
Anyways, email me at bchall@student.umass.edu with some wise words and advice you've lived by these past four years. For now, let's compare and contrast:
-If life gives you lemons on Cinco de Mayo, trade them in for limes.
-When you think you've had enough, you really haven't.
-On most exams, it's not about memorization, it's about strategy - unless it's multiple choice.
-If someone asks you if you've heard of any parties tonight, and you don't know, just say "I heard Puffton, I heard Townhouses, I heard
Hobart".
-Don't worry if you fail that class. Do worry, though, if you're stupid enough to take that class again.
-If on the first day, the professor tells you he considers himself "medium-hard", drop the class. If he says he considers himself "easygoing," don't bother showing up unless there's an exam. If they put unreasonable expectations on you from the get-go, stay put and relax - they're just trying to scare kids out of the class.
-The only time you watch TV in college is if it's a sporting event.
-If you want that internship, you go out and get it on your own. Career Services is a waste of time.
-If you need a blow-off class in your schedule, Theater 100 and Women's Studies 187 are your freebies. Use them wisely.
-On the contrary, anyone who tells you Entomology 126 is easy is tricking you, like a care-nothing, do-nothing, pre-major advisor trying to get you out of their office so they can go back to doing, well, nothing.
-Astronomy 100, no. Calculus 127, no.
-Need a minor? History.
-You want the true college experience, you live in Central. Southwest is overrated until the last three weeks of the spring semester.
-Sixty-five percent of the student body on any college campus thinks they're either one of the chicks from Sex and the City or one of the dudes from Entourage. Stay away from these people.
-Creeped out by a creepy roommate? Suck it up and deal with it. It's only for a semester.
-At night, every set of Ford headlights looks like the Crown Vic model. Think about that the next time you want to drink and drive.
-If someone knocks, always ask who it is. It could be a cop.
-That annoying Jersey kid from the down the hall will probably flunk out or transfer to Rutgers in two semesters, so don't sweat it.
-Those white kids rocking the throwbacks and straight-brims, who try to act all tough and streetwise, they're really from affluent communities. So don't sweat it.
-All UMass people love all UMass people, which is why the frats and sororities here have a hard time pitching the connections angle to potential pledges.
-You haven't lived until you've offered the pizza delivery guy an extra tip to give you a ride to the library.
-You haven't lived until you've aced an exam you purposely didn't study for (see: Theater 100, Women's Studies 187).
-You haven't lived until you've sold back a book that you were supposed to pay for, but the dumb cashier forgot to ring it up - and naturally, you didn't say a word.
-You haven't lived until you've had an unofficial "third roommate" in a two-person dorm, you know, the one who sleeps all day on your futon, seven days a week; has no housing or meal plan whatsoever; and, despite his or her claims, you're not even entirely sure if he or she's actually enrolled.
-There's a reason why "Greatest Hits 1974-78" is the only Steve Miller Band album anyone owns.
-Everyone is afraid to admit they like at least one Hootie song. And it's probably "Time".
-There's at least one good cop on campus.
-Three best places to eat: Antonio's, The Hangar, Bub's.
-Best bar: Amherst Brewing Company.
-If you let a lady pick the bar, she's going to pick McMurphy's. And that place is too damn crowded.
-And finally, last but not least, the most important piece of advice you should take away from this column:
Don't.
Be.
That guy.
Brendan Hall is a Collegian editor. He can be reached at bchall@student.umass.edu.
© Copyright 2007 The Daily Collegian
